Just hang on

It’s safe to say that becoming a parent changes things; specifically a marriage. Nine years together, four years married, and two kids later. We argue more than we should, about things that we shouldn’t. We go to bed angry at times. A whole day can pass without kissing or hugging. And somehow, we don’t have a real conversation for days. But, in the midst of the overflowing laundry, the oatmeal stained faces, the abundance of toys, and the daily tantrums–I still see you & I need you to hang on.

Hang on through the all-nighters, the teething, the runny noses & fevers. Hang on through the newborn stages, the terrible 2’s, the teenage years. Through all the school years–from that very first day of kindergarten to the very last day of college. Hang on through those inevitable teenage breakups, the first dances, the good news, the bad news, and everything in between. Hang on while you walk our daughter down the aisle, and teach our son how to be a good man.

This stage of life is a wonderfully, exhausting season, and this is exactly what I envisioned with you. We have two little bosses whose daily demands and needs often pull us in opposite directions. There are days that never seem to end, and some that are way too short. The times we do get out on a date, which are few and far between, our conversation almost always circles back to our kids. And that’s ok! Why wouldn’t we talk about them every chance we got? They are amazing and crazy and most importantly, they are ours! At this moment, we are in what I like to call the trenches of parenthood. They need us. Every step of the way. We love them. They are the focus, they are the center, they are two huge pieces of our heart running around. So sometimes at the end of a long day, we may find ourselves on the same couch, doing totally different things. Me, trying to beat a seemingly impossible Candy Crush level: You, clashing some clans. And although at times we may be sitting in silence, while some boring show plays in the background, in that moment, I know it’s ok. It’s not that we don’t care. Because we do. A whole lot! It’s because we do that we can allow each other to unwind in our own way at the end of the night with no hard feelings. This is because we both understand that right now, quiet time is time well spent–and that’s ok.

It’s ok because I love you, and you love me. Through all the demands and chaos, we’ll continue to enjoy this wild ride, some days separately, but always together. It’s gonna be ok because once the dust settles, and the kids are grown, we will be here –still hanging on.

Keepin’ it real

So there I was, endlessly rocking my 2 month old son, praying to God that he would finally stop fighting his long overdue nap, and fall asleep for more than 20 minutes. My 2 year old daughter is at the table, flinging her now cold oatmeal on to the floor and walls. I couldn’t even yell at this point. Both kids have been up since 5:45am today, and YES, that is extremely early for us over here, especially when we have what seems like 20 more hours of sunlight to conquer. In that moment of non-sleeping and oatmeal flinging, all I could do was cry. I cried because it was only noon and I was already done with this day. In between the tears, I could see the sun shining outside and all I could do was cry more because while a part of me wants to bring the kids outside and enjoy the weather, the other (and more loud) part of me says “nahhh girl, you crazy!” Maybe I’m just too exhausted to think about getting them dressed and actually going out there. Or, it could be that we don’t have a fenced in yard. Going outside at my house is automatic grounds for my 2 yo to take off like a wild woman down the street while I run after her yelling like a crazy person. Quite frankly, chasing someone down the street without a bra on is NEVER fun for me or the neighbors; been there, done that. So, after I go through the list of all the things convincing me to stay inside, I snap back out of my anxiety riddled thought bubble and enthusiastically decide, “let’s all go outside and get some fresh air!” Then, as if they planned it, my son has decided to fall asleep on my arm (PHEW!) and now that the walls and floors are painted a nice shade of apples n’ cinnamon, my daughter has left the table to play with her blocks. Maybe next go around, eh? I may have dodged a bullet there, or just the opportunity to be the neighborhood comedy show for today. Either way, we stay inside for now.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, being a mom in general is such an emotional rollercoaster that never stops. And just speaking from my present position and personal experience, everyday truly starts to feel like groundhog day. Before kids, I always worked full-time whether it was as a server, in an office or as a 911 operator (miss you guys)!  Now, my full-time job is in the home setting, and honestly, I’m still trying to navigate all of this and adapt the best way I know how. Everyday is not hearts, butterflies, and extreme parental bliss. I’ve read my fair share of online blogs from moms who keep it real, get down to the nitty gritty of things & talk about the ‘taboo’ topics of motherhood. If I’m having an off day here in the trenches, those really help bring a sense of relief and remind me that it’s okay, I’m not the only one. I love knowing that it’s okay to throw some Cheerios in a bowl and turn on a movie to get a moment to yourself. I love knowing that not everyday is going to be a good day, but that there is almost always something good in that day (sometimes you have to sift through some sh*t to find a diamond….that’s a common saying right? Or did I just make that up)?

I’ve always been real about the ups and downs of parenthood-at least to a few family and friends-which is why I started typing today.  My husband works 2 jobs to support our family, it seems he’s gone more now than he is home. My son hates the car at the moment. It’s as if the carseat somehow morphs into a tiny torture chamber that causes relentless screaming and hysteria 12.5 seconds in to him sitting down. Being home all day, everyday, and being an anxious mom (yep, that’s me), things tend to get pretty lonely and overwhelming. Some (or most) days my sanity is questionable. You know what makes it worse? Feeling like you’re not able to talk about anything related to being a parent unless it is all the perfect and good stuff. Having to smile & nod when you want to just scream because “mom’s aren’t supposed to feel this way.” Nobody is perfect. Who is that helping when you only talk about the mushy gushy stuff? All that does is make that other person feel inferior as a mother, and like there is something wrong with her because she doesn’t sit on cloud 9 everyday. Oh, and don’t bother going to the library to search for “The Parenting Manual,” there isn’t one (damn, that was disappointing to find out.) We’re all thrown into this blindly, tripping our way through toys and diapers day in and day out. This is why I am a huge believer in being real; if not for any other reason than to give others who may feel the same way a sense of comfort and community. Keeping it real and being able to laugh about the ups and downs of the daily grind keeps your sanity in check. There are certainly many ways to catch a break from wiping butts and watching ‘Mickey Mouse’ on repeat. My outlet is to write (or type), whatever yours is, be sure to make time for it whenever you can. I’ve always loved to write and in the midst of being swept up in the day to day life of utter chaos, this has helped bring me back to the foreground with myself. And remember, every parents’ personal experience & lessons along the way are what helps write this mythological parent manual, but without talking about it ALL, yes even the not so glamorous stuff, there will be blank pages.

For all the moms out there, I toast this Corona to you! Yes, it is only 2:13pm on a Tuesday. Just keepin’ it real 🙂

{“You’re gonna miss this, you’re gonna want this back, you’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast”}