Have you ever come across a meme–which by the way, did you know it’s pronounced, ‘meem‘? Why isn’t it spelled like it sounds, is my question? Here I was calling it a “me me” for the longest time, looking stup–..oh nevermind–anyways, so have you read a meme on the internet and were totally convinced it was written for you and only you? Yeah, me too! I have LOL’ed at my share of them. So here’s a small glimpse into my life at the moment with the help of those clever memes.
It’s 5am, one kid is screaming, the other is crying. I stumble into the living room carrying both unhappy children and see my husband all dressed, ready for work. Faced with the choice of shooting a dirty look in his direction heavily armed with irritation and envy–mostly envy because he gets to leave– or start crying, because–well, he gets to leave. Me being the morning person that I am (not), I choose the dirty look. Is it his fault? Nope. Did he do anything wrong? Not this time. But the sun’s not up yet, the kids have already filled up my annoyance meter for the day, and the coffee isn’t ready: I really had no choice here. I push my pride aside and give him an endearing glance as he sits in the car ready to back out of the driveway. Just when I think he is about to return the favor,– ‘What? What is he doi…oh NO he isn’t!—Yep. This funny mother-you-know-what is dancing in the drivers seat complete with a shit eating grin. Sigh. I ain’t even mad at you bro…you made it out.
If you don’t have kids yet and/or are planning on it at some point, here’s a piece of advice free of charge: kids don’t actually like toys. Well mine don’t seem to anyway. Mind.Blown, right?! I, for one, was quite astonished when we would buy our daughter toy after toy, so excited and giddy about seeing her play with this top of the line, new and improved, high quality, eco-friendly, light up, high-powered action, too expensive toy—yeah, no. All you need is a cabinet full of Tupperware, a little junk mail here, and maybe a pipe cleaner there, and VOILA! You’re welcome.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve said to my husband when we’re out in public, “somebody is gonna think we’re kidnapping her.” The high pitched, raptor scream is highly unnecessary. I have yet to lose this car seat battle but, with my child being the persistent (more like stubborn) person she is, she continues to play the ‘who can embarrass who more’ game, probably until she’s old enough to actually be the embarrassed one for a change.
Am I right?? Oh my Lord I never fake smile more in my life then when I’m in public with my kids. It’s like they know mommy can’t do anything about this heinous fit being thrown in the produce department because the ‘GREEN APPLE IS BETTER THEN THE RED APPLE!! [AAAHHHHhhhhh]’–but only for today. Fear not fellow parents, buy that green apple, but just remember, that once your cart hits the outside open air—‘you’re on my turf now, kid’.
No further explanation needed here, people.
This is the absolute truth right here. I was such a germaphobe with my first, always wiping off the doors, tables, chairs, silverware, anything within 5 feet of where she was. I had to have that over priced shopping cart cover, and basically held Ella’s hands down as to not touch any part of the cart because, Ew! Well, somewhere between the first and second child, I accepted that germs were unavoidable and actually beneficial for them to be exposed to– you know– immune system development and all that jazz. That hygiene hypothesis was able to relieve some of my disgust when the other day, Ella may or may not have eaten a hot tamale candy from the mall parking lot. Honestly, all I could say after she refused to spit it out was, “well you better not get any on the car seat, it’s new!”
“Why would you ask me what I’m doing in here? I’m in the bathroom, doing very important bathroom things, duh!” Between you and me, I’ve been done for like 10 minutes now. I’m actually sitting on the side of the tub with the exhaust fan on, drowning out the sounds of whining children coming from the other side of the door, playing candy crush, and LOVING IT! What? The hubs is home, he’s got this. The beauty of being together for almost nine years and two children, is that I have no shame left. If he thinks I’m in there [for lack of a better term] “blowing it up”– good, let him think that. Maybe then they’ll stop knocking and shoving their hands underneath the door so mommy can take a time out.
I actually do remember the days pre-children. I mean, who could forget the glory days of sleeping in, staying out late, going to fancy restaurants, having money, only having to wipe your own ass, having glass figurines on display–okay you get the point. So while I do remember, and have the great memories of the past, my best days are now and still to come. They wont be perfect days; my son may hate the car seat for another 6 months, my daughter may continue to test my patience with the tantrums–I don’t know. All I know is that I do love this crazy, beautiful, messy, child-filled life of mine.
And just as a last note, does anyone know who I should talk to about this….? He just doesn’t take the hint.
Officially Outnumbered 